Random Wanderings

So many things I have wanted to write and no time to write.

But for today I want to express gratitude and appreciation for my marriage. A few years ago I faced the very real possibility of losing my marriage because of my husbands addiction. At that time I grieved the loss of hopes and dreams, gave up many expectations, and had to come to an acceptance that what ever my husband chose I would be Okay. It was a necessity so I could maintain the boundaries to keep myself and my children safe. I am very grateful that my husband chose recovery, but I also am much more aware of all of the women and children around me who did experience that loss. My heart goes out in empathy towards them and the challenges they face because of that loss. As the saying in recovery circles goes, “But for the grace of God, there go I”

I also notice those who have lost their spouses to death and have more compassion and empathy for their situations. All of it makes me even more aware of all the little blessings and priviledges I still have because I do still have the physical presence of my husband with me. I appreciaate those things so much more and try to tell my husband that as often as I think of it when he is close by. I want to savor those moments. I wanted to go into some specific details but don’t have the time right now. I have another busy and fulfilling day ahead of me.

 Just one of the many beautiful views I get to see from my home.

Today I grieve the loss of a hero. A great man who overcame tremendous challenges in his life and in the process has also brought hope and faith and encouragement to others who struggle with similar challenges. His legacy and that hope will continue on through his family and friends who know his story and will tell it to bless the lives of others.  His physical presence in this world will be greatly missed.

http://miracleswithjeff.blogspot.com/2006/12/free.html

I just read the book Dreamhealer. I haven’t quite decided what I believe about all the ideas expressed yet. I am open to learn more and some experimenting. It is very interesting.

One quote at the end that I really like:

“One force joins us. One idea keeps us apart. Love is the unifying force. Fear is the underlying seperation of beings.”

I also want to remember:

Seven Steps for Life

1. Feel your energy and be aware of it. Make it a habit to feel your life force energy daily.
2. Breathe abdominally and be aware of it. Practice this every chance you get until it becomes second nature.
3. Ground your energy and be aware of its flow. This can be done any time of day and anywhere, such as when you are standing in line at a store.
4. Drink water. Make a mental note of everytime you have treated yourself to a glass of water.
5. Develop emotional bonds with others. Be consciously aware of doing something positive to make another person’s day a little better.
6. Think positively in the present tense and feel its effects. Make a point of relaxing peacefully at some point throughout your day, whether in a state of meditation or self-reflection.
7. Understand and appreciate the connectedness of everything and everyone. Express appreciation for one thing you are grateful for each and every day. Feel gratitude, smile and be happy.

I truly don’t know how other people live without the benefit of the power of the Spirit and the healing power of the atonement in their lives. For me having that benefit is like the difference between night and day. It is also probably the only reason I am still married and why I am enjoying my marriage more than I ever have before or even thought was possible.

Just a couple of examples of the way it makes a difference in my life. Thanksgiving morning was a really rough morning for my husband. Holidays always seem to be tougher than normal. He was full of negative energy and I found myself being sucked into it. I couldn’t afford that energy drain. I had too much I wanted to do. In the past I have made more of the preparations for the thanksgiving meal ahead of time to compensate for that possible energy drain. Because of other circumstances I wasn’t able to do that this year. I left him to wallow in his own negative energy by leaving the room quickly. I prayed for help to get rid of the drain I already felt and I prayed for him.
He told me about what happened to him after that. He was laying there feeling the void in his heart grow bigger and bigger and wanting to escape. He thought of all his favored addictions and making a choice of which one to use. And then he remembered: the thought came to his mind that the only thing that really fills that void is the Spirit of the Lord. As that thought came into his mind he also felt that rushing in of the Spirit and filling that void in a very powerful way. It completely changed his day. And I got my husband back, the one I love and admire and enjoy being around.

I call upon that same spirit all the time. When I wake up and the pain is so bad that I don’t know how I will make it through the day. When I am faced with a list of overwhelming tasks and I really don’t want to give up any of them because they are all too important to me. When I am facing things that fill me full of fear like teaching gospel doctrine to a whole room of adults and also when I am facing any other fears that come up in my life from time to time. Those are the times that a little later in the day or even at the end of the day I find myself looking back with awe at how everything fell into place or how the pain just disappeared and had no effect on my day. I also call upon that same spirit to guide me everyday in setting my priorities and in knowing where my few abilities can be most useful in helping others.

I went for many years without a conscious awareness of that spirit working in my life and not really knowing how to use it to bless my life on a daily basis. It did help me overcome a debilitating depression where I was suicidal but I never understood how to make it a part of my daily life until my husband got into recovery for his addiction. We both joined 12 step groups. He joined to overcome his addiction. I joined to try to understand what they were and to support him. I soon discovered the benefit for myself. They were clear full of the gospel principles I already knew and loved but I learned how to take action and apply them to my life in a whole new way. Wow! What a difference it has made in my life!

I just read this quote in my email that goes perfectly with this post:

 ”The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom.” Merrill J. Bateman, Ensign, May 1995, 13