Random Wanderings

Time flies when you are having fun. I started this post last week and didn’t get the opportunity to finish it. Here it is a week later. 

We studied the sermon on the mount in sunday school last sunday. After the Savior teaches the beatitudes, he then goes on to teach a higher law than what was formerly given in the days of Moses. In Matthew 5:21-22 he replaces “Thou shalt not Kill” with do not get angry. For many years I mistakenly lived that as “deny you feel anger”. I suffered the consequences of that denial in the form of physical illness and depression.  In order to heal I have put quite a bit of study, thought, and practice into overcoming my misconceptions about anger, and learning to deal with it more appropriately. Here are some of my thoughts on anger:

Anger is to our emotions as pain is to our physical bodies. You put your hand on a hot stove and the pain lets you know that you need to take immediate action in order to prevent more damage.  Anger is a signal for our emotional health that we need to take action. 

It is important that we learn how to recognise anger in ourselves and others. It does not always manifest itself in the form of an emotional outburst. This book that I picked up at the library several years ago was very enlightening for me. I did a search at my library and found that it was no longer available there.

 Letting go of anger : the 10 most common anger styles and what to do about them / Ron Potter-Efron & Pat Potter-Efron.

When I went to Amazon.com I found this updated version.

One of the styles of anger that made a big difference for me to recognise is that of sneaky anger.  It is recognised not by the signs of anger in a person but in all the people around them being angry.  They manifest their anger by pushing others buttons and then blaming them when they explode in anger.

We feel anger most often when we are feeling powerless in some way. Or in other words, backed into a corner, given no choice, etc.  Because that power of choice is so critical to the core of who we are as humans, the energy that comes with that emotion is very powerful.

When we try to deny the feeling and stuff it down, eventually, because of that power, all other feelings are also masked. Then we feel dead inside. Not only do we not feel the anger, but we also can’t feel any of the joy in life.

 Once I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and emotions, I knew I had to find a better way to deal with my anger. It was also very important to me not to intentionally hurt another person.

I also mistakenly blamed the cause of my anger on other peoples actions and on the circumstances. Because it is impossible to change another person, and some circumstances we have no control over, it left me feeling very powerless.

 What I have now come to realise is: that in any given situation there are so many choices available.  When I feel that powerlessness then I need to look for the choices available. 

This is the basic outline of the steps I take when I am feeling anger, frustration, powerlessness.

What are the underlying feelings? fear, hurt, lonely, inadequate, etc.

What specific about the situation is causing those feelings?

What choices did I make to get into this situaiton? What other choices did I have available or do I still have available?

What skills do I need to learn? Am I capable of learning those skills?

What kind of help do I need?  What are my expectaions of others? Can I get that from someone else or in some other way?

What are the consequences if I continue with the situation as it is? Can I live with those consequences? For what period of time? What are my other alternatives?

What can I do right now that I have control over? What boundaries do I need to set to protect myself or my children? How will I maintain those boundaries?

 When it comes down to it, sometimes I just decide to accept the situation knowing what part I played in getting me there, and knowing that any other options at this time are not acceptable to me.

I always have the choice of what attitude I will have in any given situation. And I choose positive, hopeful, forgiving, loving.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 5th, 2007 at 12:36 pm and is filed under addiction recovery, relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.