Random Wanderings

My husband and I are missionaries for the addiction recovery program for our church. The program is based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our topic for tonight is step 2. The one word that describes that topic is HOPE. The step is very much about getting to know who God really is. Most addicts and addicts families have a distorted view of God. Many have turned away from God in their life because of those distortions. In step one you realize how powerless you are to control the addiction and that it has taken away your freedom and put you in bondage. The only way you can find any HOPE of recovery is in trusting in a power greater than yourself. That trust is step 3. First you’ve got to know who you are going
to trust in. So who is God?

I believe that who to trust is Christ. The gospel of Christ. Gospel means good news. Many believe that God is controlling. I think that is a distortion. None of us like to be controlled. How can that be good news? Many get those distortions from how their parents treated them and from the culture. I think just the opposite is true of God. Rather than being controlling the most valuable gift he gives to us, is the gift of agency. We are free to choose. Men abuse that agency and try to control each other, which brings tremendous pain into the world. God will not stop them because of the value of that gift. Even in the most controlling circumstances brought about by men there are choices. There is always the choice of how to react and what attitude we will have.

If God isn’t controlling, then what about all those commandments he has?

I believe those commandments are from a loving father teaching us how not to abuse each other, but rather how to love each other more completely and bring more love into our own lives. They are a gift to us to show us the way in a very confusing and truth distorted world.

One of the distortions that I grew up with is: Even though I know God loves us, I didn’t feel like I could ever be perfect enough to make it to Gods kingdom. No matter how good I was able to be, I could never be good enough.

That is called perfectionism and it is a lie. By believing that, I was completely rejecting the whole reason Christ came to this earth. The gift of the atonement that makes it possible for each one of us imperfect people to be made whole and receive all that God the Father has to offer.

The truth is that my best will be good enough and all that I fall short of Christ will take care of. I can trust him to pick up the pieces of my life that I am incapable of fixing. As I continually turn to him for guidance he will show me a way out of the bondage from my addictive and compulsive behaviors. Not only that, but as I try to live the commandments in order to bring more love into my life and to other people, he will help me fine tune the general commandments so they are more specific to my individual circumstance.

Then on top of that he will also show me the way to find powers and peace even beyond what I could imagine or dream of. Even in a mixed up, distorted, chaotic, unpeaceful world.

I say that is HOPE!

Time flies when you are having fun. I started this post last week and didn’t get the opportunity to finish it. Here it is a week later. 

We studied the sermon on the mount in sunday school last sunday. After the Savior teaches the beatitudes, he then goes on to teach a higher law than what was formerly given in the days of Moses. In Matthew 5:21-22 he replaces “Thou shalt not Kill” with do not get angry. For many years I mistakenly lived that as “deny you feel anger”. I suffered the consequences of that denial in the form of physical illness and depression.  In order to heal I have put quite a bit of study, thought, and practice into overcoming my misconceptions about anger, and learning to deal with it more appropriately. Here are some of my thoughts on anger:

Anger is to our emotions as pain is to our physical bodies. You put your hand on a hot stove and the pain lets you know that you need to take immediate action in order to prevent more damage.  Anger is a signal for our emotional health that we need to take action. 

It is important that we learn how to recognise anger in ourselves and others. It does not always manifest itself in the form of an emotional outburst. This book that I picked up at the library several years ago was very enlightening for me. I did a search at my library and found that it was no longer available there.

 Letting go of anger : the 10 most common anger styles and what to do about them / Ron Potter-Efron & Pat Potter-Efron.

When I went to Amazon.com I found this updated version.

One of the styles of anger that made a big difference for me to recognise is that of sneaky anger.  It is recognised not by the signs of anger in a person but in all the people around them being angry.  They manifest their anger by pushing others buttons and then blaming them when they explode in anger.

We feel anger most often when we are feeling powerless in some way. Or in other words, backed into a corner, given no choice, etc.  Because that power of choice is so critical to the core of who we are as humans, the energy that comes with that emotion is very powerful.

When we try to deny the feeling and stuff it down, eventually, because of that power, all other feelings are also masked. Then we feel dead inside. Not only do we not feel the anger, but we also can’t feel any of the joy in life.

 Once I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and emotions, I knew I had to find a better way to deal with my anger. It was also very important to me not to intentionally hurt another person.

I also mistakenly blamed the cause of my anger on other peoples actions and on the circumstances. Because it is impossible to change another person, and some circumstances we have no control over, it left me feeling very powerless.

 What I have now come to realise is: that in any given situation there are so many choices available.  When I feel that powerlessness then I need to look for the choices available. 

This is the basic outline of the steps I take when I am feeling anger, frustration, powerlessness.

What are the underlying feelings? fear, hurt, lonely, inadequate, etc.

What specific about the situation is causing those feelings?

What choices did I make to get into this situaiton? What other choices did I have available or do I still have available?

What skills do I need to learn? Am I capable of learning those skills?

What kind of help do I need?  What are my expectaions of others? Can I get that from someone else or in some other way?

What are the consequences if I continue with the situation as it is? Can I live with those consequences? For what period of time? What are my other alternatives?

What can I do right now that I have control over? What boundaries do I need to set to protect myself or my children? How will I maintain those boundaries?

 When it comes down to it, sometimes I just decide to accept the situation knowing what part I played in getting me there, and knowing that any other options at this time are not acceptable to me.

I always have the choice of what attitude I will have in any given situation. And I choose positive, hopeful, forgiving, loving.

So many things I have wanted to write and no time to write.

But for today I want to express gratitude and appreciation for my marriage. A few years ago I faced the very real possibility of losing my marriage because of my husbands addiction. At that time I grieved the loss of hopes and dreams, gave up many expectations, and had to come to an acceptance that what ever my husband chose I would be Okay. It was a necessity so I could maintain the boundaries to keep myself and my children safe. I am very grateful that my husband chose recovery, but I also am much more aware of all of the women and children around me who did experience that loss. My heart goes out in empathy towards them and the challenges they face because of that loss. As the saying in recovery circles goes, “But for the grace of God, there go I”

I also notice those who have lost their spouses to death and have more compassion and empathy for their situations. All of it makes me even more aware of all the little blessings and priviledges I still have because I do still have the physical presence of my husband with me. I appreciaate those things so much more and try to tell my husband that as often as I think of it when he is close by. I want to savor those moments. I wanted to go into some specific details but don’t have the time right now. I have another busy and fulfilling day ahead of me.

I truly don’t know how other people live without the benefit of the power of the Spirit and the healing power of the atonement in their lives. For me having that benefit is like the difference between night and day. It is also probably the only reason I am still married and why I am enjoying my marriage more than I ever have before or even thought was possible.

Just a couple of examples of the way it makes a difference in my life. Thanksgiving morning was a really rough morning for my husband. Holidays always seem to be tougher than normal. He was full of negative energy and I found myself being sucked into it. I couldn’t afford that energy drain. I had too much I wanted to do. In the past I have made more of the preparations for the thanksgiving meal ahead of time to compensate for that possible energy drain. Because of other circumstances I wasn’t able to do that this year. I left him to wallow in his own negative energy by leaving the room quickly. I prayed for help to get rid of the drain I already felt and I prayed for him.
He told me about what happened to him after that. He was laying there feeling the void in his heart grow bigger and bigger and wanting to escape. He thought of all his favored addictions and making a choice of which one to use. And then he remembered: the thought came to his mind that the only thing that really fills that void is the Spirit of the Lord. As that thought came into his mind he also felt that rushing in of the Spirit and filling that void in a very powerful way. It completely changed his day. And I got my husband back, the one I love and admire and enjoy being around.

I call upon that same spirit all the time. When I wake up and the pain is so bad that I don’t know how I will make it through the day. When I am faced with a list of overwhelming tasks and I really don’t want to give up any of them because they are all too important to me. When I am facing things that fill me full of fear like teaching gospel doctrine to a whole room of adults and also when I am facing any other fears that come up in my life from time to time. Those are the times that a little later in the day or even at the end of the day I find myself looking back with awe at how everything fell into place or how the pain just disappeared and had no effect on my day. I also call upon that same spirit to guide me everyday in setting my priorities and in knowing where my few abilities can be most useful in helping others.

I went for many years without a conscious awareness of that spirit working in my life and not really knowing how to use it to bless my life on a daily basis. It did help me overcome a debilitating depression where I was suicidal but I never understood how to make it a part of my daily life until my husband got into recovery for his addiction. We both joined 12 step groups. He joined to overcome his addiction. I joined to try to understand what they were and to support him. I soon discovered the benefit for myself. They were clear full of the gospel principles I already knew and loved but I learned how to take action and apply them to my life in a whole new way. Wow! What a difference it has made in my life!

I just read this quote in my email that goes perfectly with this post:

 ”The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom.” Merrill J. Bateman, Ensign, May 1995, 13