Random Wanderings

Love is NOT a reason to get married!

Many people in our society believe Love is the reason to get married. I dispute that reason. (that is not to say that love isn’t part of a good long term marriage)
I believe that very often Love is confused with Lust (sexual attraction), Romance, Passion, or Intensity of feelings. In long term marriages those kinds of feelings wax and wane like the cycles of the moon. While there are many personal choices that can be made to keep those feelings strong, even in the best of marriages there are times and circumstances where they just aren’t happening. I believe one of the reasons divorce is so prevelent in our society is that people give up too soon on a good marriage because those feelings just aren’t there anymore. If you base marriage on the love represented by those types of feelings it could be very easy to get caught up in a cycle of marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, etc. The danger of that is never getting to experience the much deeper feelings or security of longer term love. A love that grows from acceptance, commitment, & shared experiences.

Some comments on Sexual Attraction:

Any 2 relatively healthy people (regardless of gender) can have a satisfying sexual experience. What makes that experience the most satisfying for any one person is personal preference. I believe that personal preference is based on experience, with your 1st sexual experiences making the strongest imprint on those preferences. I think if you want to be the most satisfied with your sexual experiences, you should limit it to 1 person only. (that includes not having sex by yourself) I think that is part of the reason why those whose first sexual experiences were painful, abusive,or disrespectful create so much trauma in their lives. There is the constant internal conflict of pain and pleasure all mixed up together.

Because of the intimate nature of sexuality, it is where we feel the most vulnerable and insecure. If your partner has ever had sex with anyone else somewhere inside there are the niggling doubts of how you compare with that other experience. So if you want to feel the most secure with your partners sexual satisfaction, make sure they have never had other sexual experiences.

Some make the choice to willingly give away the chance of having the most satisfying sexual experience in marriage. Mostly they are deceived by what our society promotes. Contrary to popular belief, more variety with more people does not lead to finding more satisfaction. It makes it harder to be satisfied.

Others have that choice taken away from them. Even though past sexual experiences can prevent you from having what you could have had, there is hope! If the choice is made for complete fidelity now & you follow the guidelines for influencing romantic love, then the satisfaction can grow over time.

So if not love, what?

Any 2 people with similar values, respect for each other, & an ability to sacrifice for the good of another can grow in love. If you add commitment, then you can have a recipe for a happy, loving, successful marriage. There is also a warning implied in that 1st sentence. If you neglect your marriage and spend time with others who you respect, there is a good chance you will grow out of love with your spouse and into love with another.

What about soul mates?

I don’t think you should wait to get married until you have found your soul mate. I do believe that for some people they are so perfectly connected or aligned or meant to be together for some other reason that they could be considered soul mates. I don’t think everybody recognises a soul mate before they are married, for some it comes after a time.

I think similar values is the most important consideration for marriage. By similar values, I don’t mean the same religion (though that can be a good place to start looking). I think the majority of people in the world on a core level share the same values. Where we differ is in where one value conflicts with another, which do we choose as a priority. Which values do we feel the most passionate and intense about and which ones are we willing to defer. I think that is different for every individual. The more closely our values line up with another person the more connected we feel.

Sometimes we assume that another person has similar values to our own only to find out later they don’t. That can create tremendous conflict. So how do we recognize similar values in another person? We need to pay close attention to their actions or lack of actions. They could be saying one thing and doing another in direct conflict. Notice silence! Many people will disagree in silence. That can be great in having peaceful relationships but those unsaid disagreements can break up a marriage. Some people don’t know themselves, they may not have had enough experience to really understand what they feel most strong about. Some people pleasers will say whatever they think you want to hear because it is most important for them to be liked by others. Some will say or do (for a time) whatever it takes to get what they want from you.

Our values can also change over time. They can be influenced by our experiences and people we are around. In order to stay connected to a married partner we need to share those experiences at the very least with communication if not in actuality.

It is easy to grow out of love. Any 2 people can find numerous annoyances and disappointments with each other. When you are living in close intimate contact that can be even more prevalent. To continue to grow in love you need to make a conscious choice not to focus on the annoyances and disappointments.

To make a marriage stronger, more synergistic, uplifting, motivating, & bring out the best in each other………. focus on what you love, respect, & admire in your partner and POINT IT OUT often!

To influence the romantic love in your marriage:

• Make the choice to keep yourself clean, reasonably attractive, and as healthy as you are able.
• Notice and point out the physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual things in your partner that you respect and admire.
• Share your intimate feelings.
• Be there for your partner in the tough times.

For those that don’t know me, this is from the voice of experience, I have been married for over 25yrs, our marriage has had it’s ups and downs and survived through numerous things that would have destroyed most marriages. In many ways the marriage is better now than it has ever been before.

I finally have high sped internet connection and so I dare upload a few photos.

With the recent visit of my parents we got a couple of four generation photos.

Emily with her Great Grandpa

And here are some photos of the kitties:

My husband and I are missionaries for the addiction recovery program for our church. The program is based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our topic for tonight is step 2. The one word that describes that topic is HOPE. The step is very much about getting to know who God really is. Most addicts and addicts families have a distorted view of God. Many have turned away from God in their life because of those distortions. In step one you realize how powerless you are to control the addiction and that it has taken away your freedom and put you in bondage. The only way you can find any HOPE of recovery is in trusting in a power greater than yourself. That trust is step 3. First you’ve got to know who you are going
to trust in. So who is God?

I believe that who to trust is Christ. The gospel of Christ. Gospel means good news. Many believe that God is controlling. I think that is a distortion. None of us like to be controlled. How can that be good news? Many get those distortions from how their parents treated them and from the culture. I think just the opposite is true of God. Rather than being controlling the most valuable gift he gives to us, is the gift of agency. We are free to choose. Men abuse that agency and try to control each other, which brings tremendous pain into the world. God will not stop them because of the value of that gift. Even in the most controlling circumstances brought about by men there are choices. There is always the choice of how to react and what attitude we will have.

If God isn’t controlling, then what about all those commandments he has?

I believe those commandments are from a loving father teaching us how not to abuse each other, but rather how to love each other more completely and bring more love into our own lives. They are a gift to us to show us the way in a very confusing and truth distorted world.

One of the distortions that I grew up with is: Even though I know God loves us, I didn’t feel like I could ever be perfect enough to make it to Gods kingdom. No matter how good I was able to be, I could never be good enough.

That is called perfectionism and it is a lie. By believing that, I was completely rejecting the whole reason Christ came to this earth. The gift of the atonement that makes it possible for each one of us imperfect people to be made whole and receive all that God the Father has to offer.

The truth is that my best will be good enough and all that I fall short of Christ will take care of. I can trust him to pick up the pieces of my life that I am incapable of fixing. As I continually turn to him for guidance he will show me a way out of the bondage from my addictive and compulsive behaviors. Not only that, but as I try to live the commandments in order to bring more love into my life and to other people, he will help me fine tune the general commandments so they are more specific to my individual circumstance.

Then on top of that he will also show me the way to find powers and peace even beyond what I could imagine or dream of. Even in a mixed up, distorted, chaotic, unpeaceful world.

I say that is HOPE!

We had satellite radio in the rental car while we were traveling. My husband and I like to listen to talk radio. One of the hosts did a commentary on how much more often children are being diagnosed as bipolar.

I value a full range of emotions, it seems to me that way too often genuine emotion is treated as something wrong that needs to be fixed, mostly for the comfort, emotional peace, hidden fear, of those around the emotional person. The natural exuberance of a child has to be calmed down, the tears have to be hushed as quick as possible. The teen dealing with all sorts of new emotions is ignored or squelched (everyone is too busy) rather than taught how to appropriately express those emotions in healthy ways. When those emotions get too strong to handle they rebel or express them in destructive ways both to self and others. Then, there must be something medically wrong so we have to get them on some kind of medication so they can be handled again.
Even as adults it seems to be much more socially acceptable to be walking around as a zombie void of feelings or drugged out on antidepressants or whatever you can use to get by, than to express genuine emotion.

I went through a time in my life where I had so suppressed my emotions that I didn’t feel anything. I was in a serious depression. I walked around as a zombie, the life of the living dead. It was no life. Yet no one seemed to notice or care at that time. Yet in finally coming out of that and being able to look back on that experience is why I value the life that comes with genuine emotion of all kinds.

Several years later I went through an extremely difficult time in my life, rather than go back to suppressing my feelings to make it through, I sought a listening ear so I could process through some of that genuine grief and extreme anger. Rather than a listening ear I found those who were quick to try to fix me, not by hearing, but, by telling me to go take antidepressants. I finally had to pay a therapist while I processed through the emotions. The therapist did not give advice, did not recommend medication, just listened.

The value of a listening ear, the value of acceptance of what ever mood each individual is in at any given moment, the value of emotion, of laughter, of tears, of anger,of contrariness.

I love the ocean, it is so moody, so changeable from one moment to the next, the tide is never the same, the whether changes so quickly. There is so much power but yet a peacefulness. I could watch it forever.

I make it a practice to appreciate & accept the changeableness of people as much as the changeableness in so much of nature around us. Because of that I have no problem with getting along with many who others avoid. I love them and value the richness they bring to my life.

Today is our 25th wedding anniversary. Our marriage has definitely been full of challenges but is better now than it has ever been. I am grateful for the things I have learned in working through those challenges.

To celebrate my husband and I took a trip to Leavenworth. As with our marriage, this trip had its challenges but was well worth it.

We dropped our 2 youngest girls off at the bus to take them to camp and then headed out of town. We usually rent a car when we travel but decided to spend the money on the hotel room instead for this trip (costly mistake). Just as we were pulling out, the air conditioning went out on the van. About an hour after we got into Leavenworth, while we were checking out the area, we stopped at the ski hill parking lot. When we tried to start the van, it would not start. We ended up without transportation for the whole time we were there.

Leavenworth is a whole village and activities based on a Bavarian theme. It is beautiful. We stayed at the Enzian Inn in a romantic suite, got to listen to the Alpenhorn being played while we enjoyed our complimentary full breakfast buffet. We played a couple of rounds at the Enzian Falls Championship Putting Course.

We attended the production of the Sound of Music at the Ski Hill amphitheater built specifically with that play in mind. Then we walked back to our hotel at 10:30PM.

We went on a white water rafting trip (about 4 hours). I never would have thought as a grandma I would be white water rafting.

I came home sunburned and with sore muscles but no regrets.