Random Wanderings

Today is our 25th wedding anniversary. Our marriage has definitely been full of challenges but is better now than it has ever been. I am grateful for the things I have learned in working through those challenges.

To celebrate my husband and I took a trip to Leavenworth. As with our marriage, this trip had its challenges but was well worth it.

We dropped our 2 youngest girls off at the bus to take them to camp and then headed out of town. We usually rent a car when we travel but decided to spend the money on the hotel room instead for this trip (costly mistake). Just as we were pulling out, the air conditioning went out on the van. About an hour after we got into Leavenworth, while we were checking out the area, we stopped at the ski hill parking lot. When we tried to start the van, it would not start. We ended up without transportation for the whole time we were there.

Leavenworth is a whole village and activities based on a Bavarian theme. It is beautiful. We stayed at the Enzian Inn in a romantic suite, got to listen to the Alpenhorn being played while we enjoyed our complimentary full breakfast buffet. We played a couple of rounds at the Enzian Falls Championship Putting Course.

We attended the production of the Sound of Music at the Ski Hill amphitheater built specifically with that play in mind. Then we walked back to our hotel at 10:30PM.

We went on a white water rafting trip (about 4 hours). I never would have thought as a grandma I would be white water rafting.

I came home sunburned and with sore muscles but no regrets.

Time flies when you are having fun. I started this post last week and didn’t get the opportunity to finish it. Here it is a week later. 

We studied the sermon on the mount in sunday school last sunday. After the Savior teaches the beatitudes, he then goes on to teach a higher law than what was formerly given in the days of Moses. In Matthew 5:21-22 he replaces “Thou shalt not Kill” with do not get angry. For many years I mistakenly lived that as “deny you feel anger”. I suffered the consequences of that denial in the form of physical illness and depression.  In order to heal I have put quite a bit of study, thought, and practice into overcoming my misconceptions about anger, and learning to deal with it more appropriately. Here are some of my thoughts on anger:

Anger is to our emotions as pain is to our physical bodies. You put your hand on a hot stove and the pain lets you know that you need to take immediate action in order to prevent more damage.  Anger is a signal for our emotional health that we need to take action. 

It is important that we learn how to recognise anger in ourselves and others. It does not always manifest itself in the form of an emotional outburst. This book that I picked up at the library several years ago was very enlightening for me. I did a search at my library and found that it was no longer available there.

 Letting go of anger : the 10 most common anger styles and what to do about them / Ron Potter-Efron & Pat Potter-Efron.

When I went to Amazon.com I found this updated version.

One of the styles of anger that made a big difference for me to recognise is that of sneaky anger.  It is recognised not by the signs of anger in a person but in all the people around them being angry.  They manifest their anger by pushing others buttons and then blaming them when they explode in anger.

We feel anger most often when we are feeling powerless in some way. Or in other words, backed into a corner, given no choice, etc.  Because that power of choice is so critical to the core of who we are as humans, the energy that comes with that emotion is very powerful.

When we try to deny the feeling and stuff it down, eventually, because of that power, all other feelings are also masked. Then we feel dead inside. Not only do we not feel the anger, but we also can’t feel any of the joy in life.

 Once I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and emotions, I knew I had to find a better way to deal with my anger. It was also very important to me not to intentionally hurt another person.

I also mistakenly blamed the cause of my anger on other peoples actions and on the circumstances. Because it is impossible to change another person, and some circumstances we have no control over, it left me feeling very powerless.

 What I have now come to realise is: that in any given situation there are so many choices available.  When I feel that powerlessness then I need to look for the choices available. 

This is the basic outline of the steps I take when I am feeling anger, frustration, powerlessness.

What are the underlying feelings? fear, hurt, lonely, inadequate, etc.

What specific about the situation is causing those feelings?

What choices did I make to get into this situaiton? What other choices did I have available or do I still have available?

What skills do I need to learn? Am I capable of learning those skills?

What kind of help do I need?  What are my expectaions of others? Can I get that from someone else or in some other way?

What are the consequences if I continue with the situation as it is? Can I live with those consequences? For what period of time? What are my other alternatives?

What can I do right now that I have control over? What boundaries do I need to set to protect myself or my children? How will I maintain those boundaries?

 When it comes down to it, sometimes I just decide to accept the situation knowing what part I played in getting me there, and knowing that any other options at this time are not acceptable to me.

I always have the choice of what attitude I will have in any given situation. And I choose positive, hopeful, forgiving, loving.

So many things I have wanted to write and no time to write.

But for today I want to express gratitude and appreciation for my marriage. A few years ago I faced the very real possibility of losing my marriage because of my husbands addiction. At that time I grieved the loss of hopes and dreams, gave up many expectations, and had to come to an acceptance that what ever my husband chose I would be Okay. It was a necessity so I could maintain the boundaries to keep myself and my children safe. I am very grateful that my husband chose recovery, but I also am much more aware of all of the women and children around me who did experience that loss. My heart goes out in empathy towards them and the challenges they face because of that loss. As the saying in recovery circles goes, “But for the grace of God, there go I”

I also notice those who have lost their spouses to death and have more compassion and empathy for their situations. All of it makes me even more aware of all the little blessings and priviledges I still have because I do still have the physical presence of my husband with me. I appreciaate those things so much more and try to tell my husband that as often as I think of it when he is close by. I want to savor those moments. I wanted to go into some specific details but don’t have the time right now. I have another busy and fulfilling day ahead of me.

I love spending time with my daughters. It is a great pleasure watching them grow and experience new things in their lives. My oldest daughter Ginanne got married a few months ago and just recently found out she is pregnant. I noticed yesterday that she has a peaceful calm about her, an excitement with life, and is exuding a deep happiness.  That is a change for her. It wasn’t too many years ago when she was threatening suicide. I have watched her grow and change so much in the recent past. But even with her getting married her life still reflected some anxiety even though I think her new husband is very good for her.  I commented to her that pregnancy must agree with her. She replied that she is so happy and having children is something that she is really looking forward too. I really like seeing where she is in her life right now.

My second daughter also has reached a new milestone in her life as we celebrated her joining the ranks of womanhood.  I commented on that to her older sister and she just grinned. She is taking it all in stride.

I have always found great joy in being a woman and a mother.  I saw that same joy in my own mother. And now it is really cool to see that same joy being reflected in my daughters.